I really do understand what you mean. I have a relative who had the same situation and felt alot as you do. She thought that there was no forgiveness for what she did. But with time and understanding of the Bible, she has moved on. Though she still reflects from time to time as the years go by, how old her children would be and such. But she has accepted the forgiveness GOD offers. She just needed time to forgive herself. We make mistakes and sometimes big mistakes, but we have forgiveness and to forgive ourselves is sometimes the hardest to do[&o] Good luck and allow time to heal also.