Some Steven Wright quotes. Some of these bring tears to my eyes.

***All those who believe in psycho-kinesis raise my hand.
***The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
***I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
***OK, so what's the speed of dark?
***How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
***If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
***Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
***When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
***Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
***Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
***Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
***I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
***If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
***Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
***Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
***When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
***Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
***Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard drive?
***What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
***I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
***Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
***If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
***A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
***Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
***For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
***The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
***The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
***You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
***The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
***Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
***A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
***Change is inevitable.... except from vending machines.
***A fool and his money are soon partying.
***If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
***Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
***I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
***Half the people you know are below average.
***99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
***42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
***A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
***On the other hand, you have different fingers.
***I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"
***My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
***Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
***Cross-country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
***I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
***My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
***My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.
***I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car.
The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
***I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
***I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
***It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
***Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.]
***What's another word for Thesaurus?
***When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
***When I was crossing the border into Canada, they