Bro,
UR 2 Funny!

I dont laugh this hard!

Ok, OK.... lets try one more thing, then I'll admit I dont know sh*t (you guessed it shot).

Fill the tub with warm water. Add salt, then on a PPM (parts per million) meter bring the water to 1600-1800 ppm slowly adding salt. Make sure this is exact! Now go to a local fish store and purchase the largest red tail shark they have. Put the shark in the tub.
That's it. It may not cure the straw thing but now you have a cool shark. See.... I'm a thinker.....