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Jokes

Old 09-28-2007, 02:59 PM
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A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with aBright, 'T-G-I-F.' He smiled at her and replied, 'S-H-I-T.' She looked puzzled and repeated, 'T-G-I-F,' more slowly. He again answered, 'S-H-I-T.' The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, andSaid as sweetly as possibly, 'T-G-I-F.' The man smiled back to her and once again, 'S-H-I-T.' The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. 'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?' The man answered, 'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'
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For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
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Old 09-28-2007, 03:01 PM
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Never lie to Moms....you will be sorry.



HAVING MOM OVER FOR DINNER
You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one.........


Brian Hester invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Mrs. Hester had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Stephanie, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, Mrs. Hester started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Stephanie than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates.

About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mother: I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Brian


Several days later, Brian received a letter from his mother that


read:


Dear Son: I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie, andI'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now Love, Mom


LESSON OF THE DAY... NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER!

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For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
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Old 09-28-2007, 03:02 PM
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Default RE: Jokes

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the
man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the
husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body
because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate
some of her own skin.

However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"


"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

If this doesn't make you smile ~ nothing will!

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For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
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Old 09-28-2007, 03:13 PM
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Default RE: Jokes

the 11th Husband



A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times.?"

"Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.

"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

" Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

"Husband # 5 was an Engineer,he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was........... Wow I miss him.

" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".

"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?

"Your're with the "GOVERNMENT"..
This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED

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For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
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Old 09-28-2007, 07:40 PM
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Default RE: Jokes

Great stuff. I like the mother one the best because it's oh so true...
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Old 09-29-2007, 11:24 AM
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Excellent! I think on the "11th Husband" joke, you could replace "Government" with lawyer and get about the same result. All good, I think I might add a few later.
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Old 10-02-2007, 07:34 AM
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Default RE: Jokes

The mother one was hilarious. mom's always know how to catch you in a lie!
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Old 12-09-2007, 02:39 PM
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You will enjoy this. This one is priceless... Wrong email address? Lesson

to be learned from typing the wrong email address!





A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a

particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where

they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel

schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday,

with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he

decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one

letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the

email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her

husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following

a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and

Friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The

widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the

computer screen which read:





To: My Loving Wife




Subject: I've arrived.




Date: October 16, 2005


I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and

you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.

I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything

has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.


Looking forward to seeing you then!


Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.


P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!

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For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
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Old 12-09-2007, 02:45 PM
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Default RE: Jokes

I love to tell jokes and make people laught but I not good at telling jokes but here are some for you to enjoy.

This is for fun so for you blondes please take it all in stride.

Enjoy!


BLONDE LOGIC

Two blondes living in Kansas were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away...Florida or the moon?'
The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you seeFlorida?????'

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;
likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'

KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'
She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blond. 'They're watch dogs!'






__________________
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
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Old 12-09-2007, 02:50 PM
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Default RE: Jokes

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it
to the President. The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary
to send the little boy a $5 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some
reason you sent it through Washington, DC., and those jerks deducted $95.00 in taxes.
__________________
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
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